If you are anxiously attached or your partner has an anxious attachment style this post is for you.
It’s time to stop apologizing for who you are and instead say, now what, how can we all best adapt?
What the anxious partner needs are to be seen, heard, validated, reassured, and a consistent partner, if you can meet their needs they will be a loyal, fun, and loving partner.
If you don’t meet their needs they will be in survival mode and you may see their anxious angry side.
Here are seven tips for you or your partner if you have an Anxious Attachment Style.
1. Don’t be vague
Your nervous partner prefers to plan and to know when you will meet; they thrive on details; when they know where and when they are more settled, try hard not to cancel plans or, if you must cancel, follow up with alternate plans.
2. Soothe their abandonment fears
Your partner worries that you will abandon them if you are mad at them. Help them with their abandonment fears by reassuring them that even if you disagree with them, you are not leaving them.
3. Help them calm down
Your partner has a natural reaction to stress and a hypersensitive nervous system. It’s not helpful to say, “calm down” or to say, “you are over-reacting.” Instead say, “How can I help you calm down?” Listen carefully and respond.
4. Let them know you see, hear and get them
Your partner seeks validation. Parrot back to them their exact words, “What I hear you saying is…” identify how you think they are feeling, “it sounds like you feel…” I get it and can see how you feel that way.
5. Match your words and actions
Your anxious partner is watching you closely. Don’t agree to something you can’t deliver. It’s better to underpromise and over-deliver than the other way around.
6. Share the load
Your partner is super aware of doing more than their fair share. Some of their efforts are behind the scenes to make things run smoothly. Appreciate them and let them know that you value the relationship as well. Be consistent.
7. Check-in regularly
Your partner is more likely to believe you are safe when they know they will hear from you. While it is not your job to constantly validate them, short, thoughtful text, “thinking of you” goes a long way.