Navigating Love: How to Get Along with Your Adult Child’s Spouse When You’re Not a Fan
By Dr. Diane Strachowski, Licensed Psychologist, Relationship Expert, and Attachment Style Aficionado
As parents, we often have visions of who we want our children to love and marry. But what happens when that vision clashes with the reality of their choice? Disagreement over love can put parents and adult children at risk for estrangement, especially when emotions run high during significant life events like weddings or holidays. So how do you navigate these waters when your adult child has chosen a partner you can’t quite get behind? Here’s a guide to fostering healthy relationships, avoiding estrangement, and maintaining the bond with your child.
Knowing your attachment style—whether it’s secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—offers several key benefits that can enhance both personal growth and relationship dynamics:
- Emotional Self-Awareness
- Healthier Relationships
- Emotional Regulation
- Relational Growth
1. Reflect on Your Concerns
Before you start a conversation about your disapproval, take a moment to examine your feelings. Are your objections based on personal preferences or biases, or are they grounded in genuine concerns for your child’s well-being?
For example, in the past, it was common for a man to date a woman with less education or ambition. Fast forward to today, where many women are thriving professionally, and love can blossom regardless of traditional roles. Consider how societal norms may have shifted and whether your discomfort stems from outdated notions rather than the person your child has chosen.
If your objections involve differences in religion or culture, take a step back and reflect on your adult child’s values. They might prioritize love and personal qualities over traditional expectations, so ensure you’re distinguishing between a genuine concern for their happiness and your preferences.
2. Approach Gently
When it comes to voicing your concerns, keep it low-key. Resist the urge to dive in with unsolicited advice or harsh criticisms. Instead, calmly state your feelings and then allow your child to respond.
Frame your reservations as questions rather than statements. For instance, “I’m curious about how you see your future together. How do you both handle disagreements?” This invites dialogue rather than defensiveness and shows that you’re open to understanding their perspective. Balance your concerns with positive comments about the person to prevent cutting off communication.
Research from Dr. Megan Gillian at Iowa State University reveals that when parents disapprove of their adult child’s spouse due to core values, it significantly raises the chances of estrangement. This isn’t a path you want to travel down.
3. Give the New Love a Chance
Initially, you might find yourself feeling repulsed by your child’s partner. However, it’s crucial to allow the new relationship some time before passing judgment. Determine whether your concerns stem from personal biases or if there are legitimate red flags.
In your conversations, ask questions to uncover good qualities that your adult child sees in their partner. This approach keeps the lines of communication open and helps you develop a more balanced view.
4. Be Supportive, Not Critical
When your adult child voices frustrations about their relationship, be there to listen without jumping to take sides. Show faith in their ability to make rational choices while reinforcing your love and support.
Let your child know that, while you may have concerns, you’ll always be there for them. Avoid criticizing their partner directly; if they decide to stay together, your previous comments may come back to haunt you, leading to further distance in your relationship.
5. Avoid Ultimatums
Issuing ultimatums can create unnecessary tension. Demanding that your child choose between you and their partner forces them into an impossible situation and can lead to resentment.
Consider Ray’s story. His parents were horrified when he fell in love with a woman from a different culture and issued an ultimatum about their last name. Ray chose to end the relationship and distanced himself from his parents, only to reconcile years later when they all shared a love for his children.
6. Let Their Peers Weigh In
Sometimes, your adult child may be more receptive to feedback from friends or siblings rather than parents. If you have concerns about their relationship, allow their peers to express similar sentiments, as they may be more likely to listen.
For example, a colleague’s daughter didn’t take her mother’s concerns about her boyfriend seriously. However, when her brother visited and posed pointed questions about the boyfriend’s behavior, she began to reconsider her relationship. Ultimately, this led to a healthy breakup and a fulfilling new partnership.
7. Show Up, Even If You Don’t Approve
If your child decides to marry someone you disapprove of, don’t boycott the wedding. Being present during this significant life transition sends a powerful message of love and support.
Your attendance shows that you care about your child’s happiness, even if you have reservations. If things don’t work out, your child will remember your support during difficult times. Conversely, if the match turns out to be a happy one, your presence can help mend past wounds and foster a closer bond.
Final Thoughts: Love Is Complicated
Navigating your adult child’s relationships can be tricky, especially when your opinions don’t align. However, by fostering open communication, practicing compassion, and remaining supportive, you can maintain a healthy relationship with your child—regardless of who they choose to love.
In the end, love is complex, and everyone deserves a chance to explore it, even if it doesn’t fit your original vision. Embrace the journey, and remember that your support can be a powerful force in your child’s life, no matter where their romantic path leads.
