In-Laws, Splits, and Compromise: Navigating the Holidays with Divorced Parents and Extended Families

Understanding Attachment Styles in Holiday Dynamics

First things first—let’s talk about attachment styles. These are the patterns of relating to others that we develop early in life and that carry over into adulthood. Whether you’re feeling rejected because your child is spending Christmas with their in-laws or you’re navigating your own complicated emotions as a divorced parent, understanding how your attachment style plays into these situations is crucial.

Here’s a breakdown of how each attachment style might show up during the holidays:

1. Anxious Attachment Style: The Parent Who Feels Left Behind

If you have an anxious attachment style, you might find the holidays especially difficult. The thought of your adult child spending time with their in-laws—or worse, ex-spouse—can trigger deep-seated fears of being forgotten or abandoned.

You’re the parent who may interpret your child’s decision to spend the holidays elsewhere as a reflection of your worth or the quality of your relationship. You might even be tempted to guilt them into coming home (“But I already bought all your favorite foods…”).

Tip for Anxious Parents: Remember, your child’s holiday plans are not a reflection of their love for you. Their decision to spend time elsewhere is likely driven by practical considerations (like in-laws or travel logistics) rather than a desire to push you away. Try to communicate openly about your feelings without putting pressure on them. And don’t forget—you can always plan another special time to celebrate together.

2. Avoidant Attachment Style: The Parent Who Checks Out

On the flip side, if you have an avoidant attachment style, you might try to emotionally distance yourself to avoid the pain of feeling left out. You might say things like, “Oh, it’s fine if you don’t come home this year,” when, deep down, you feel disappointed.

Avoidant parents tend to withdraw rather than express their true feelings, which can lead to misunderstandings and resentment over time. While you may believe you’re sparing your child from guilt, you might also be creating emotional distance that makes it harder for them to feel connected to you.

Tip for Avoidant Parents: Don’t be afraid to express your hopes for the holidays in a way that doesn’t feel like an obligation. Let your adult child know you’d love to spend time with them, but also that you respect their choices. Maintaining emotional openness is key to keeping the connection alive.

3. Disorganized Attachment Style: The Parent Who Feels Torn

Parents with a disorganized attachment style might experience a rollercoaster of emotions during the holidays. One moment you’re planning an elaborate family gathering, and the next, you’re withdrawing in frustration because your adult child is splitting their time between you, their in-laws, and their other parent.

This push-pull dynamic can leave both you and your child feeling confused and disconnected.

Tip for Disorganized Parents: Try to focus on consistency. Rather than shifting between excitement and frustration, work on setting clear expectations with your child. Be flexible and realistic about how much time you’ll spend together, and communicate openly about your feelings without resorting to emotional extremes.

4. Secure Attachment Style: The Balanced Parent

If you have a secure attachment style, you’re more likely to navigate holiday splits with grace. You understand that your adult child’s time is divided not because they love you any less, but because they have other commitments. You’re able to maintain a strong relationship with them even if the holiday isn’t spent exactly how you envisioned.

Securely attached parents value open communication, flexibility, and understanding, which often leads to more harmonious holiday experiences.

Tip for Secure Parents: Keep doing what you’re doing! Your ability to balance your own needs with the needs of your adult child is a huge asset. Continue fostering open dialogue and letting your child know that you love them no matter how the holiday plans shake out.

Managing Expectations and Maintaining Long-Term Relationships

Now that we’ve covered how attachment styles influence our feelings during the holidays, let’s talk about managing expectations and keeping those relationships strong—both with your adult children and their extended families.

Here are a few strategies for navigating the holiday splits and in-law dynamics:

1. Start with Clear Communication

The biggest source of holiday conflict? Unmet expectations. Whether you expect your adult child to spend Christmas morning with you or you’re assuming they’ll help in the kitchen, it’s crucial to communicate these expectations in advance. And no, dropping subtle hints doesn’t count.

Instead, have an open conversation with your adult child about what they want from the holiday season, and share your own hopes as well. Maybe it’s not realistic for them to spend the entire holiday with you, but a meaningful family dinner might still be possible. The key is to find a balance that works for everyone.

2. Be Flexible (Seriously)

I get it—it’s hard to let go of those old holiday traditions. But remember, your adult child is likely balancing multiple commitments, from in-laws to their own growing family. Being flexible with holiday plans not only shows that you respect their autonomy but also helps maintain a positive, long-term relationship.

For example, if they’re spending Thanksgiving with their in-laws, consider celebrating “Thanksmas” the weekend before Christmas. Flexibility helps prevent resentment from building up on either side.

3. Don’t Take It Personally

It’s easy to interpret your adult child’s decision to spend holidays elsewhere as a rejection, especially if you have an anxious attachment style. But it’s important to remember that your adult child’s holiday plans are not a reflection of their love for you.

In fact, trying to guilt them into choosing you over their in-laws or another parent can damage the relationship in the long run. Instead, try to support their choices and let them know you appreciate whatever time you do spend together.

4. Create New Traditions

As families grow and change, old holiday traditions might need to evolve as well. Rather than focusing on what’s lost, try to create new traditions that fit your current family dynamics. Maybe it’s a holiday Zoom call for family members who can’t be there in person or a shared photo album where everyone can post pictures from their holiday celebrations.

By focusing on what you can control, you’ll build stronger memories that reflect the family you have today, not just the one you had in the past.

Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting During the Holidays

For divorced parents, the holidays can bring an extra layer of complexity. Your adult child may feel torn between spending time with you, their other parent, and their in-laws, which can lead to feelings of guilt or frustration on all sides.

Here’s how to keep things smooth:

1. Avoid Competition

The holidays aren’t a competition to see which parent can outdo the other. Trying to “win” your adult child’s time by offering the best gifts or most elaborate plans will only create stress and resentment. Instead, focus on creating a low-pressure environment where your child feels comfortable spending time with both parents.

2. Be Understanding of Split Time

If your adult child is splitting time between you and their other parent, try not to view their time away from you as a loss. Encourage them to enjoy their time with the other parent and express your understanding of their situation. This will go a long way in maintaining a positive relationship with your adult child.

Final Thoughts: It’s About the Long Game

At the end of the day, holidays are just a small part of your relationship with your adult children. What matters most is the long-term connection you’re building. Whether they’re spending Christmas morning with you or at their in-laws, your relationship can thrive if you focus on flexibility, open communication, and understanding.

The more you can let go of rigid expectations and embrace the evolving nature of family dynamics, the more you’ll enjoy the holiday season—and the stronger your bond with your adult children will become.

And remember, while you might feel “demoted” from the center of your adult child’s world, that doesn’t mean you’re any less loved. You’re simply transitioning to a new role—one that’s equally important, just different.