Preparing For Adult Children To Come Home For The Holidays
The holidays are upon us, and if you’re like me, you’re probably bouncing between joy and dread as your college-aged child returns home. You can’t wait to see them! You’ve already planned out their favorite meals, fluffed their pillows, and maybe even refreshed their childhood room (though they’ve long since outgrown the Ninja Turtle bedspread). But then reality hits: they’re not a kid anymore.
For many parents, this is the moment you realize that transitioning from parenting children to parenting adults is not as simple as swapping out their superhero sheets for plain ones. It’s more like juggling flaming swords while riding a unicycle—sounds dramatic, but trust me, I see it in my office every day!
So how do we respect their independence while still maintaining some semblance of the parent-child relationship we’re so used to? And, of course, how does our attachment style come into play?
Knowing your attachment style—whether it’s secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—offers several key benefits that can enhance both personal growth and relationship dynamics:
- Emotional Self-Awareness
- Healthier Relationships
- Emotional Regulation
- Relational Growth
The Four Attachment Styles and Holiday Homecomings
Before we dive into the how-to’s, let’s get one thing straight: your attachment style (and theirs!) is going to show up this holiday season like an uninvited guest. Don’t worry—you’re not alone, and I promise there’s a way to manage it!
Anxious Attachment Style: The Over-Planner
Parents with an anxious attachment style tend to overplan. (Sound familiar?) You love your child so much that you’ve crafted an itinerary for their entire break—family dinner on Tuesday, Aunt Marge’s house on Wednesday, and quality time together on Friday. You want to soak up every moment! But here’s the problem: Your adult child had visions of Netflix marathons, sleeping in, and hanging with their friends. Cue the clash.
Anxiously attached parents fear rejection, so when their adult child says, “I just want to chill,” it can feel like a personal slight. But here’s the deal: it’s not. They’re not rejecting you; they’re trying to assert their independence, which is exactly what you raised them to do, right? Deep breaths.
Tip for Anxious Parents: Set expectations together. Instead of planning their entire break, have a conversation about what they need and what you hope for. That way, you both get what you want without the passive-aggressive, “But I thought we were having family dinner” comments.
Avoidant Attachment Style: The Detached Parent
Avoidant parents might swing the opposite direction. “You do you” becomes the motto. There’s a certain relief that comes from your adult child’s independence because, let’s face it, having them home might bring up old feelings of confinement or stress. But being too detached can make your adult child feel like you don’t care. They’ve been gone for months, and they might want a little more connection (even if they won’t say it outright).
Avoidantly attached parents tend to value autonomy—both theirs and their child’s—but the holidays are a great time to make small efforts to bridge the gap. You don’t need to turn into an anxious planner, but showing that you want to spend some time with them will go a long way.
Tip for Avoidant Parents: Try being present in small, manageable doses. Set aside one-on-one time—whether it’s grabbing coffee or catching up over a low-key movie night—and then retreat into your cave of introversion guilt-free.
Disorganized Attachment Style: The Ping-Pong Parent
If you have a disorganized attachment style, you may be feeling conflicted about this homecoming. On one hand, you crave closeness and want everything to be perfect. On the other hand, you might feel anxious, unsure of what your role is now that they’re older. This can lead to emotional ping-pong—flip-flopping between being overly involved one moment and distant the next.
The challenge here is to stay consistent. Your adult child may feel confused by your changing levels of involvement. They need to know what to expect from you, and they need to feel that the emotional environment at home is stable.
Tip for Disorganized Parents: Focus on emotional regulation. If you notice yourself flipping between extremes, take a pause and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I need? This will help you navigate interactions with your adult child without overwhelming them (or yourself).
Secure Attachment Style: The Balance-Expert Parent
Ah, the holy grail of attachment styles. If you’re a securely attached parent, you’ve probably already figured out how to transition into this new stage of life with a reasonable amount of grace. You understand that your child is their own person, and you’re able to maintain closeness without being overbearing.
That said, even secure parents can feel the sting of change. Your child’s growing independence might leave you feeling nostalgic for when they relied on you for everything. But you also know that part of loving them is letting them grow.
Tip for Secure Parents: Keep doing what you’re doing. Stay open to their needs, communicate your own, and make space for both connection and independence. Balance is key.
How to Navigate the Holiday Break with Less Stress
Have a Conversation: Don’t just assume your college kid wants to follow your plans. Sit down before they come home (or when they arrive) and talk about their hopes for the break. Ask them what they need to recharge, and share what’s important to you as well.
Respect Their Boundaries: Remember, they’re an adult now. Just because they’re home doesn’t mean they’ve reverted to their 12-year-old self. Yes, they might dump their laundry on the floor, but this is an opportunity to practice those good ol’ boundary-setting skills. Ask for what you need without micromanaging their every move.
Loosen the Reins, Just a Little: Especially for the anxious parents, give them some breathing room. If they want to spend time with friends or sleep until noon, that’s OK. Trust that your relationship will continue to evolve and grow, even if they’re not glued to your side the entire time.
Create Special Moments: For avoidant parents, this might be a challenge, but finding small ways to connect will make a big difference. Even something as simple as cooking breakfast together or watching a favorite holiday movie can strengthen your bond.
Manage Your Expectations: Lastly, it’s important to check in with yourself. If you feel disappointed or rejected by their independence, remember that this is a normal part of their growth, not a reflection of your parenting.
Humor Helps!
And if all else fails, remember to keep a sense of humor. No matter how independent they are, chances are they’ll still ask you for money, dump their laundry on the floor, and raid your fridge. That’s just part of the college-to-adult transition. Keep your cool, respect their boundaries, and know that, in time, you’ll find a new rhythm.
After all, the holidays are less about having everything perfect and more about creating space for love, growth, and maybe a little bit of chaos.
