Would I date me?

Take a look in the mirror and ask yourself, “If you saw a woman on the street that looked identical to you, would you date her?”  If your immediate answer is not an emphatic “Yes!” keep reading.  For a psychologist coaching women, this is a very sticky point.  I find that giving women honest feedback about their appearance is like paying taxes; I know I have to do it, but it’s painful.   It’s difficult for me to have to deliver this message, but it’s even more difficult for the recipient.  Many women become defensive immediately and instinctively.  They defend their fashion choices as if I asked them to change political parties.  They tell themselves and me how many different ways they are “not going to change!!” 

We all get stuck in ruts; we tell ourselves, “He should love me for who I am.” “It’s the inside that counts.”   Holding onto these statements, though, indicates that your stubbornness about change is more important to you than finding love.  It takes only a tenth of a second (a mere blink of an eye) to make a first impression.  Is that first impression, be it in person or online, the best you can make?

What are you clutching onto in your closet or refusing to alter about your style that is holding you back?  Perhaps it’s those old mom jeans that feel good but lost their shape a decade ago or that scarf that you carry with you like your security blanket.  What about your hair, makeup, and accessorizing?  When was the last time you changed your hairstyle or had your makeup done? If you still look like Farrah Fawcett, you may be due for a new hairdo.  Ask yourself, what is my best physical feature? Am I playing up my big, pretty eyes?  Does my hair style look soft and feminine? Do my clothes hide my body or enhance it?

Ladies, don’t take my advice. Take a long look in the mirror and get some objective feedback.  Remember that you are dressing for men, not women.  See if you can get a man’s opinion.  Ask a man who has a good eye and whose opinion you trust. Listen to his answer before defending your choices; try to be flexible.  It’s better to give someone two or more choices.  Ask which date outfit they like best: the V-neck sweater or blouse?  If they have nothing to compare it to, their response may be flat.  Your friends may tell you look “nice,” but are you getting the results you want with men by looking “nice?”  Men are visual, and you want to look your best when you leave the house.

Look at women’s magazines or Pinterest for date outfits, hair, and makeup that flatter your personal body, face, and skin type.  Take the pictures you find with you when you go shopping or to your hairdresser.  If you feel overwhelmed being solely responsible for your outfit choices, get a personal shopper at Nordstrom or check out https://www.stitchfix.com.  You can get updated date outfits at the touch of a button and keep only those items you love while discarding the ones that aren’t you.  Before getting new photos taken for an online dating profile, go for a blowout.  Before your big date, go to Sephora or any cosmetic counter—they will do your makeup for free.

The central goal is to attract as many men as possible, giving you the opportunity to choose the best partner for you.  If you are resistant to change, try not to let this get in your way of getting noticed.  It’s time to clean out your closet—and your attitude. You will be more conscientious about sticking to the changes you make from the beginning. If change is hard at first, don’t be discouraged. Keep practicing; it will get easier over time.

SECURE SUMMARY: It may be time for a new look.  The effort you put into enhancing your appearance builds confidence, and confidence is the sexiest thing a man or woman can wear.