Fantasy vs. Reality: When Grandparenting Expectations Don’t Match Up
By Dr. Diane Strachowski, Licensed Psychologist, Relationship Expert, and Attachment Style Aficionado
Grandparenting is often painted in rosy hues—a time of joy, cuddles, and creating lasting memories. Yet, many grandparents quickly find that their expectations don’t align with reality, especially when they’re expected to babysit while their adult children take a well-deserved break. What happens when the vision of being the doting grandparent clashes with the reality of exhaustion, juggling your own life, and, let’s be honest, a preference for occasional grandparenting rather than full-on childcare duty?
Let’s break down the common struggles, particularly how different attachment styles can influence the roles grandparents and parents expect to play.
Knowing your attachment style—whether it’s secure, anxious, avoidant, or disorganized—offers several key benefits that can enhance both personal growth and relationship dynamics:
- Emotional Self-Awareness
- Healthier Relationships
- Emotional Regulation
- Relational Growth
1. The Anxious Grandparent: Always on Call
If you tend to lean toward an anxious attachment style, you might feel an unspoken obligation to say “yes” to every request for babysitting. You might think: “If I don’t step in, will they think I’m not supportive? What if they need me and I’m not there? What if they can’t cope without me?”
Anxiously attached grandparents may worry about disappointing their adult children, even when the constant caregiving becomes overwhelming. The result? They take on more than they’re comfortable with, often pushing their own needs aside out of fear of straining the relationship. This can lead to burnout and—ironically—resentment toward the very people they’re trying so hard to help.
Reality Check for the Anxious Grandparent: It’s okay to set boundaries. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re unsupportive. In fact, showing your adult children that you have limits encourages them to respect those boundaries, which helps maintain a healthy relationship. Remember, grandparenting is supposed to be a time to enjoy your grandchildren, not a second round of parenting.
2. The Avoidant Grandparent: Clear Boundaries, No Strings Attached
On the other end of the spectrum, we have the avoidant grandparents. These folks often value their independence and might view babysitting as an intrusion into their carefully crafted lives. They’re more likely to establish clear boundaries right from the start: “I love spending time with my grandchildren, but I have my own schedule and commitments.”
Avoidantly attached grandparents might even fear getting too emotionally entangled, so they keep their interactions limited. They enjoy the grandparenting moments but aren’t looking to take on a primary caregiver role, and they aren’t shy about saying so. The challenge? Adult children who expect more help may interpret these boundaries as disinterest or even rejection.
Reality Check for the Avoidant Grandparent: Boundaries are healthy, but it’s important to communicate them with empathy. Let your adult children know that while you’re happy to help on occasion, you also need to maintain your own routine and space. A clear, compassionate conversation early on can help manage expectations and prevent misunderstandings down the road.
3. The Disorganized Grandparent: Mixed Messages
Grandparents with a disorganized attachment style might find themselves in a bit of a bind. Their desire to help may clash with a sense of being overwhelmed or unsure of their role. One minute they’re enthusiastically agreeing to babysit, the next they’re pulling back, feeling torn between helping out and feeling overburdened.
This inconsistency can confuse their adult children, who might not know what to expect. Disorganized grandparents may feel guilty when they don’t help but also trapped when they do.
Reality Check for the Disorganized Grandparent: It’s important to take stock of your own feelings before making commitments. Communicate honestly with your adult children about what you’re capable of. It’s okay to say, “I’d love to help, but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. Can we find a balance that works for both of us?”
4. The Secure Grandparent: Balance and Boundaries
Ah, the secure attachment style—a beacon of balance. Secure grandparents tend to have a healthy understanding of their role and can offer support without feeling overextended. They’re comfortable expressing their needs and setting boundaries, which allows for a more flexible and harmonious grandparenting experience.
While they’re happy to pitch in with babysitting or help, they’re also clear about maintaining their own lives. They’re more likely to have open, respectful conversations with their adult children, fostering an understanding of mutual needs.
Reality Check for the Secure Grandparent: If you’re in this category, you’ve likely mastered the art of balancing grandparenting with your own needs. Keep up the clear communication and enjoy the flexibility that comes with knowing when to say “yes” and when to say “no.”
Managing Expectations: The Key to Success
No matter your attachment style, managing expectations is crucial for a healthy grandparent-parent relationship. Here’s how to get started:
Have Open Conversations Early: Before any resentment builds, talk about what’s realistic in terms of help. Are you available for babysitting once a week? Only on weekends? During emergencies? Being upfront prevents misunderstandings.
Set Boundaries, but Be Flexible: Boundaries don’t have to be rigid. You can say no to regular babysitting while offering to help on special occasions. It’s about finding a balance that works for everyone.
Avoid Guilt: It’s easy to feel guilty if you’re not living up to the “fantasy” grandparent. But remember, your well-being matters too. You can still be a loving and supportive grandparent without being the on-call babysitter.
Check in Regularly: Family dynamics change over time. Check in with your adult children to see how things are going and if the current arrangement is working. They may need more help during certain times, but that doesn’t mean it should become the new norm.
Final Thoughts: Grandparenting on Your Own Terms
Grandparenting should be a joyful experience, not one filled with stress and unrealistic expectations. Whether you’re anxiously overcommitting or avoidantly pulling back, it’s important to remember that your relationship with your adult children is a partnership. By setting clear expectations, practicing healthy boundaries, and communicating openly, you can create a grandparenting role that’s both fulfilling and manageable.
So, go ahead—enjoy those snuggles and playdates with your grandchildren, but don’t be afraid to hand them back when you need a well-deserved break!
